How Do We Bridge the Divide? And Should We?
Get a cup of coffee because this is a 9 min read, y'all. (But it's worth it).
Authenticity Statement: Today’s newsletter was written by a human being: me. Images sourced from my archives, Pixabay, Wikimedia Commons, and AI.
I used to think the uniform was the great unifier.
In the U.S. Air Force, everyone was my brother or sister.
It didn’t matter where you came from or what you did or who you were, if you wore the uniform, we were the same.
And I could trust you with my life.
It was that way in Catholic school, too.
Ugly plaid uniform? Ashes on your forehead? Overriding fear of nuns? You’re my people. Let’s split a tuna melt on Friday.
Later, in our CrossFit shirts circa 2009, I knew that we were houses of the same kingdom.
No matter your gender or sexuality or political persuasion, if you worked out the same hard way I did, we were family. I used to call it The Secret Society of Awesome.
But change came to each of these paths:
I left the USAF and watched later — disconsolate — as a few close buddies decided that disparaging the queer community on FB was more important than loving me as a friend.
I realized the Catholic Church didn’t have room for the real me (or any outspoken woman) so I stopped making room for them.
And by 2020, CrossFit stood for something different than the cult I joined in 2007. Folks didn’t seem as welcoming of difference anymore. What had been my jam was no longer my marmalade.
Fast Forward to Now
And now we are somewhere very different in 2025.
Political camps are the norm in America and, more than that …
Unfriending/cutting folks out of your life is the way we deal with unpleasant feelings.
They said something different? Or wrong?
Block. Delete. Gone.
Banished from this kingdom!
Feels good, right? I’ve done it a bunch. And many times it was 100% deserved and I’d do it again.
There’s a Problem, Though
But — here’s the rub — while we feel powerful exerting these cuts (and sometimes they are very warranted), deleting folks from our lives might not always be helping us as much as we think.
That’s crazy talk, I know, but walk with me here for a moment:
I think this because — on the whole — we are not getting better at human relations or supporting society or building community.
We’re getting worse.
And with every disposal of a human connection, we end up less connected.
The less connected we are, the farther apart we all get.
And the farther apart we get, the easier it gets to be less understanding.
The Slippery Slope Starts Here
Distance opens the door to judgment. Always has. Always will.
And then it’s easy for us to jump to new conclusions: those people don’t deserve compassion. Or those. Fuck them. How can they be that way? They’re animals.
And then “those people” say the same things … about us.
A small divide becomes a big divide ——> A big divide grows bigger ——> A spannable space becomes an uncrossable chasm.
Welcome to America, 2025, “Patriot’s Edition.”
That’s where we live now.
Most of us don’t want to live across this chasm from each other, but we do.
What Do We Do Now?
So I’ve been grappling with these questions:
How do we bridge this divide?
How do we get from each of us in our little communities to all of us in a bigger community?
I don’t have the answers but I have some thoughts. (And they’re not about engaged pluralism, though that’s worth consideration. Perhaps we should all be thinking about how the circle gets bigger, not how we enforce the fences around each of our circles.)
Walk with me for a moment here.
Reimagining Tolerance
I used to rail against the concept of tolerance. (Read Find the Celebration.)
Because tolerance is not only the minimal viable product in the pantheon of love … but it’s also simply not enough.
Nobody wants to be tolerated when they are longing to be loved. (And tolerance is infuriating when you are fighting to have the basic human rights that everybody else gets. It feels flippant and demeaning. “We still hate you but maybe we’ll stop killing you.” Great. Thanks so much.)
Tolerance is not an ideal end state.
But wait!
Maybe there’s more room here than I was willing to admit.
Because lately I’ve been entertaining the thought that some tolerance — on all sides — is exactly what we all need. And maybe that’s even enough right now, at this moment in our nation.
Because love is perhaps too great of a leap right now so tolerance might be a good target.
We don’t need an end state. We need a nation of states we can all live in together.
Two Things Can Be True
To sit in this thought for a moment, we need to avoid the false belief that plagues American society: this idea that only one thing can be true at a time.
More than one thing can be true at the same time.
And more group than one can win.
And there’s not only one pie and only some folks can get slices.
The truth is that the pie is ENORMOUS in the U.S.
Everybody can have a slice and seconds and thirds and we can bake more and more and more. And other countries can ask for pie and we can give slices away and help all boats rise. Don’t believe the small minds on this one!
Beyond Pie
Now, keeping in mind that two things can be true at the same time, consider these two truths:
You should not be asked to tolerate someone who hates you.
And you should not hate someone who tolerates you.
What does that mean?
The gap between tolerance and hate is BIG — and maybe more of us need to live in that gap part-time. Or at least swim in those waters sometimes.
Maybe it’s enough right now to hold space for the possibility that every human being represents. Not the reality. The potential.
Like This
Think about this for a moment: many more of us used to live in Tolerance Kingdom. Tolerance is the banner of the Live and Let Live Kingdom.
This banner signals: I see you and I’m going to respect your right to live your life without judgment and interference from me. Please see me and leave me to make my own decisions, too. We can both live free.
This attitude is what some of us call New England.
Basically it means:
Don’t bug me and I won’t bug you.
It’s the quintessential Yankee viewpoint. The original purpose of America. A middle ground where everyone can live.
Judge silently if you must but keep your damn mouth shut.
It’s not a full American tradition accepted by everyone. It’s more like the New England tradition of “This is my religion and I don’t need to evangelize — do whatever you want, just take care of your neighbor,” as opposed to the other religious tradition (popular in the South) of “I AM PREACHING AND YOU ARE SINNING. REPENT NOW, SINNER!”
That latter path doesn’t leave room for a middle ground. And no matter if it sometimes has good intentions, it hurts us all. (And it bugs the crap out of most Americans, if they’re being honest.)
No Money in the Middle
So why is this tolerance viewpoint not super-popular in our nation right now?
What happened to blow up this middle ground?
Social media.
It blew up the middle ground because there’s more money to be made in extremes and fighting.
Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg and others. 🙄 (I will forever want to kick the FB leaders in the shins for what they did without thinking through what could happen next. These modern-day Pandoras opened the box and spread the curses, laughed all the way to the bank, and left us to clean up the mess.)
Social media is not designed to help us live in a the gap between love and hate. It’s system of likes/dislikes and set up for confrontation (hate sells really well — way better than love).
It’s the arson economy, as Jon Stewart called it.
And if you make money by setting things on fire, why would you want to put out any fire? Pile on the logs and gasoline, people!
But there’s a downside they ignore.
When you keep stoking the fire, everything burns.
And this nation is burning and we all need something other than an arson economy.
We Need a Way to Live Together
Don’t get me wrong: I am not arguing in favor of giving up principles or becoming the new Marge Green or Felon Dusk. (Yeah, you see what I did there.) I’m not saying it’s okay to be racist, sexist, homophobic, or a big old hateful idiot.
I think 99% of what this administration is doing is wrong. (And I want to kick Senator Chuck Schumer and most of the Democratic leadership for failing to be the leaders we need to stand up for good in these times.)
And — let’s be clear — I don’t tolerate bigots or stupidity or hate, nor am I advocating that you do so.
But I think it might be time to give your neighbor a second chance.
If you can.
The real neighbor next-door
The moms at the bus stop
Your second cousin who you used to hang out with but now ignore because he said that stupid thing about abortion. And about Mexico. And that moronic thing about women voting. And that other stupid thing about salted caramel ice cream. (He will always be wrong about that.)
What if you afforded these folks a little grace right now?
On an individual, case-by-case basis. Like an experiment.
Give a little mercy to someone that you’ve written off.
Create a small space for understanding. Tiny but there. Existing. Breathing.
Pause for a moment, one person at a time, so humanity has the opportunity to walk in. Hold judgment and try to see them with kinder eyes just for a moment.
That might not happen, but try. And maybe even try again.
On both sides of this political divide, wherever you live and whatever you believe.
Because there is grace in the middle somewhere. A place where we can reach each other, even now.
Because when I can see you … and you can see me, then we can exist in the same space together. We can talk. We can maybe reach a better understanding and work towards a country where everybody can win. But blindly — without that vision — we’re all just bumping into each other and getting salty.
Now, I’m not saying tolerate hate speech. Or go along to get along. That’s not what this is about.
What I’m saying here is maybe try something new.
Experiment. Ask the next question with kindness instead of kicking someone else out of your life. See if you can create a space for existing with each other.
Because We All Need to Try Something
What’s going on in America right now is not working … for any of us. So maybe we need to try something new.
And this idea of tolerance might work and it might not. But maybe it’s worth trying.
And as we (hopefully) try this strategy, remember:
You don’t have to love me. I can love myself
I don’t have to love you. You can love yourself
Love is likely a bridge too far for some of us right now
But tolerance might be right here, under our feet, if we choose to see this common ground
And if we can tolerate each other, we can exist here in America in a better and less divisive way. Maybe grow closer. Maybe learn to work together for all of us. At least I hope so.
Because most of us are sick of the hate and the fighting.
So we have to try.
Bonuses!
“Mercy Now” by Mary Gauthier
